Here are my specific comments on each individual paragraph of your essay: It is useful to break up long paragraphs in order to highlight important ideas and to make your argument flow more naturally.
First, your essay relies too heavily on technical military language.
You need to vary your voice to keep the essay interesting.
My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence.
I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact.
The cadet creed states that, “a cadet will not lie, cheat, or steal, nor tolerate those who do.” I internalized this creed at the academy, and I became unyielding in my forthrightness.
I could not overlook my fellow officer’s behavior, but was it right for me to report him?
We significantly improve essays both for clients who write poorly and for clients who write well.
Prompt: Please describe an ethical issue that you have faced in your professional life, how you dealt with the situation and what the outcome was.
The officer had fabricated data on the number of maintenance problems in order to look better in the eyes of his superiors. Army command needs an accurate count of battle-ready tanks in case of deployment.
Companies send weekly reports on the maintenance status of their tanks to their battalion, and this data is passed on to the highest levels of army command.